I've never been a truly honest person, not with anyone I have ever known, cared about, or even loved. I am not even honest with myself most of the time. I find myself lying to myself all the time. I want that to change. I want this to be the truth. Even if I can't say it to someone else I will tell myself the truth for once. Today I told Ellen about my lying, she took it better then I had any right to hope for. She really cares about me and I need to remember that when I tell her something. I have no solid plan for the future as of right now, I am adrift completely. I am not sure if I want to go to school, or if I just want to make everyone else happy by going to school. I know I can work low level physical labor jobs for the rest of my life. Just knowing that makes me horribly sad for the wasted potential. I cried on the phone with Ellen and with my mom today. I don't think I have let it all out yet though. I need to find a way to release my emotions and feelings before I start lying to cover them up again. I do think I am so afraid of failing that I don't try. I work physically demanding but mentally easy jobs to make sure I don't have the opportunity to fail. I have always known I would rather succeed at a lower level then to push myself and fall short. I don't know when this fear started, but it sure dominates my life. Also I constantly have a need for approval. I need someone patting me on the back or telling me I am a good boy at all times, or I will quit, become lazy, or lie to make myself seem better. I am a pleaser without a doubt. I will say and or do anything to please others and have them think better of me. Even in my own dream today I was worried about my self image in an imaginary situation. I don't feel dependent on substances at all anymore. yes I do drink a lot of caffeine but for work and not usually for other things. I need to develop a normal schedule and stick to it. I know my mom is right when she told me about my hormone levels and my erratic sleep, but I don't know why I can't get it regulated. I need to find a pattern that sets me up for sleep. I don want to get better, I do want to be stable, I do want to be trusted again, but I honestly don't know why I keep allowing myself to fail at all of those things. I have been given hundreds of chances to excel and I have thrown almost all of them away. I prayed last night for the first time in 3 or 4 months. I still don't know if there is a god, but if there is I think now would be the time for me to really look. My emotions were all over the place today. ranging from manically happy at periods during work and why talking to Ellen, to complete despair while on my ride home from work. I haven't had a suicide thought in at least a week, and I don't think I will again for a while, but the thoughts that I do have are stopped by the aftermath of what I would do, the people I would hurt and lives I would destroy, not the fact that I wouldn't be around. I know this sounds overly dramatic, but it is one of the few things I can be sure of when I am talking about my mental state. I want to share more with my family, but I don't know how to broach those subjects with them. I know they try to reach out to me, but for some reason I just lie to them instead of taking the help. I am weak, I need the help, yet I don't take it, I have never taken it until it is too late. I am a coward. My greatest fear of failure and displeasure in others is realized when I lie to cover up my own weakness. In a measure of good news, Ellen and I are going to work through this, the school is going to refund my tuition money to my parents, and I have almost gone a whole week without overspending or indulging in my horrible food purchasing habits. I have a new budget plan and its a lot like this, no secrecy. I get in trouble when I spend without keeping track. I lie to myself about my spending and then try to cover it up later. so now all income goes on the white board as does all expenses. I don't know if it will work, but I am going to give it a shot. I really don't have much else to loose at this point. Alright that is enough for one day, my goal for tomorrow is to start my budget plan.